I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
