i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize