im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
