you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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