just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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