what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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