p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
