Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
