i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize