Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
