That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
