ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I AM VODKA MAN
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
