I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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