I am spending my child support on dildos
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
