So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
