I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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