On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
