when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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