finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
