you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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