Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
