I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
