someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
