I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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