well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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