My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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