Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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