so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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