i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
