is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am available for nakedness
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
