Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
