i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I could make wine with my vomit
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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