I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
