I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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