i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I need to wash the frat house off of me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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