I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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