Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
