I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
