If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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