dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
