I just threw up on my dentist
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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