Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
