I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
