I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
