Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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