somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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