You made me cry and you don't even care
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
