I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
