where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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