I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
