I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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