My Higher Power is John Stamos
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
