Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
