you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
