My hand turned me down
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
