Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
