I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize