how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
