But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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