So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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