Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had sex on a dog bed..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
