Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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