I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize